Top 10 Most Spoken Shockabuku Lines
10. Why me?
9. Didn't you know?
8. Let's get it on! [or any other phrase that means 'you're dead']
7. Let's get it on! [or any phrase that means 'I want sex']
6. Why won't you stay dead?!
5. I'm pregnant.
4. Why not?
3. No!
2. Aaaaaagh! [this =can be from angere, pain, fear, shock, or just a PMS moment.]
1. WHAT?!
35 truths we learn from children
1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it is already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke----------lots of it.
13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year old man says it can only be done in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep.
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
20. Super Glue is forever.
21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
22. So can Tarzan.
23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.
24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response.
32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.
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Things to do on a BAD DATE
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20 Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements...i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
Cat/Human Quiz
Humans:
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Good-bye
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
Cats:
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
a) supper
b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
c) inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the human's got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d) all of the above
Cats and Teenagers (G)
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
Charismatic Autonomous Terminator (CAT) (G)
The Mark I Charismatic Autonomous Terminator (CAT) system is a family of intelligent, stealthy, terminal-homing mouse-seeking missiles featuring multi-sensor targeting with dual night-vision devices, and neural-net architecture.
The CAT's self-righting inertial platform allows launch from any attitude. Integrated multi-aspect attack profile with indefinite- loiter mode insure a wide lethality envelope. Upon target engagement, the CAT deploys four clusters of retractable submunitions in addition to the primary warhead, providing an enhanced radius of destruction.
The CAT uses regular or exotic solid or liquid fuel and is equipped with a low-signature exhaust-obscuration system. Firmware and connectors compatible with any unit of the Mark I series guarantee unlimited expansion capability, making the CAT system a cost-effective countermeasure to the projected spectrum of rodent-threat scenarios well into the next century.
The CAT is now available* from Acme Anti-Roadrunner Systems Division of McDonald Dynamics. See us at the Paris Air Show, Tom Clancy's next movie, or contact Frank Reid at XXXXXXXX (day) or XXXXXXXX (evenings; be patient) for immediate free delivery.
* Cannot be shipped to Iraq.
Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password:
10) E-Mail flames from some guy named 'Fluffy.'
9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8) You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
7) Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.
6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it...and a strange aroma of tuna.
5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of 'CyberDog.'
4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3) You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
2) On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
1) There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
The End of the Raven
By Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched
above the chamber door.
'Raven's very tasty,' thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
'There is nothing I like more'
Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curios and wierd decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
his two cents' worth -
'Nevermore.'
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage,
and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.
'Oooo!' my pickled poet cried out,
'Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity,
while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty'
- then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered,
eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
The Gospel Truth About Dogs and Cats (G)
And Adam said, ''Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.''
And God said, ''No problem! I will create a companion for you that will bewith you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.''
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, ''But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.''
And God said, ''No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.''
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, ''Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.''
And the Lord said, ''No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.''
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog wagged his tail.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Top 10 Signs Your Cat is Planning to Kill You! (G)
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually _does_ have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
7 actual titles of actual books (G)
"Manhole Covers of Los Angeles," by Robert and Mimi Melnick (1974)
"Eat Your House: Art Eco Guide to Self-Sufficiency" by Frederic Hobbs (1981)
"Proceedings of the Second Inter-national Workshop on Nude Mice," University of Tokyo (1978)
"Teach Yourself Alcoholism," by Meier Glatt (1975)
"Grow Your Own Hair," by Ron MacLaren (1947)
"Three Weeks in Wet Sheets" (1856)
"The Art and Science of Dumpster Diving" (1997)
I remember once my parents bought me a wiener dog, and I walked that wiener dog and I fed that wiener dog and I loved that wiener dog. Then one sad day, that wiener dog ran out and got hit by wiener dog truck. I rushed out and held the poor wiener dog in my hands and cried, "Hang on wiener dog, don't give up wiener dog," but it was too late. My wiener dog was limp and cold. Also, when I say "wiener dog," I really mean "record player."
When I see a street-sign that says "SLOW CHILDREN" I think great, now they'll be easier to hit.
When I stepped onto the concourse, I turned my head to peer through the giant veil of mist that hung in the air like a mysterious shroud; and there my eyes beheld the majestic Niagara Falls. Thousands of gallons of water surged forward with monstrous force, plummeting over the precipice in a graceful arc of crushing strength. Faced with such a vivid demonstration of nature's unalterable might, I seemed to sense a tremendous feeling of wonder welling up inside of my being, but actually I just really, really had to go pee.
If you are searching for the finest career to pursue, don't overlook the field of fish psychiatry, because as a licensed fish psychiatrist you would be able to make up all kinds of ridiculous nonsense about fish- and nobody would catch on, except maybe for other fish psychiatrists.
It concerns me that I spend money on heavy-duty cleaning products that are designed to remove the residual scum left on my tub from a substance I rely on every day to cleanse and sanitize my own body.
Epilogue:
Mary killed the lamb that night,
And ate it for a meal,
She sighed after a greasy bite,
"I should have had the veal"
An open letter to mall security: Those people who suppress performance art pieces - for example, my current work: "A Day at the Zoo" - are responsible for silencing free expression in the mall; and furthermore, in order to render an accurate portrayal of a "naked mole rat," one must be, fundamentally, naked.
· The general taught me that if I work hard enough, I can make my dreams come true. Of course it was ok as long as they were his dreams too.
An average American has a vocabulary of 10,000 words; but I have 10,002, because I just made up "pfitz-kokkie" and "sheents."
The hills were alive with the sound of music, and boy, my gut was alive with the sound of digesting Vienna sausages
I must have stood alone on Atlantic Avenue holding that sign for at least three hours before some kind passer-by informed me that the "Million Moron March on Washington" was the previous Friday. Boy, did I feel stupid.
When I'm going out with someone for the first time, I always ask right up front: "If we spend some intimate moments together later, which would disturb you more: If I suddenly broke out in show tunes or if I suddenly broke out in a rash?" That usually puts him right at ease.
Fred Spiegel. I remembered his name, because when I met him at the party I used his name three times in the conversation; I read somewhere that if you do that, it imprints the new name on your long-term memory. And Fred remembered that I'm someone not to be trifled with, because I beat him senseless with the salad bowl.
Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over the guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers…
Who can forget the delightful tale we all heard as youngsters, the one that goes: "Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! And if you trail me at my feet, I'll gun you down like a dog in the street!"
I believe that it was Nietzsche who said: "That which does not kill us gives us an abominable case of diarrhea."
Well, it's pretty discouraging that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, but if the hand-basket is being carried by a little girl with a pink ribbon in her curly blonde hair, then that's cute.
When my doctor informed that he wanted to take my gall bladder out, I said, sure, fine, but he would have a much better time with my cousin Daphne.
Quite often, modern children take what they have for granted. When my kids start whining about their toys, I want to recount a story to them from my childhood.
"When I was your age, my family was rich but the only thing I had to play with was a stick."
"Was it a glowing stick, with light-up eyes?"
"No, it was just a stick. You know, like from outside."
Silence for a moment.
"That's not fair. I want a stick, too!"
He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's coming to your name. He's laughing so hard, the elves have to get him his heart pills.
When I hear stories of the pilgrims who made a courageous voyage across the Atlantic Ocean in search of a new world free of religious oppression; I wonder what would have happened if there had been a passenger on the Mayflower named Jack Asshole, and the other passengers made fun of him so much that he finally jumped overboard. If those travelers hadn't been so mean, there could have been millions of people living in America today who might be descendants of Jack Asshole. I might have even been an Asshole myself.
Sometimes life just chews you up and spits you out on the sidewalk; and then a mangy old dog comes along and licks you up. Then you get the mangy dog sick, and he dies, and in a way you have your revenge for everything.
You know, I thought I was being a real humanitarian when I signed up to be an organ donor, but then those idiots came and took away my piano.
Proof that People are Idiots...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some more actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how . . .?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . )
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save some time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a newsflash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one)
"26 Worst Pick-Up Lines"
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go fuck.
3. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming, too.
8. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
11. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll bang you all night long.
12. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
13. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.
15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.
16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
17. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
19. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
21. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
24. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
25. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter -- I stick to the
roof of your mouth.
26. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
You've Had Too Much Coffee When:
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
Things Momma Taught Me
Momma taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
Momma taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside!"
Momma taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet before you’re mother gets home."
Momma taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
Momma taught me FORESIGHT -
"Your mom said to make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
Momma taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
Momma taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
Momma taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
Momma taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
Momma taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
Momma taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
Momma taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
Momma taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"Your mother and I brought you into this world, and we can take you out."
Momma taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like an idiot!"
Momma taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"
Zen One Liners.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of tax payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
If you lend someone , and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Change your name
Stage Name - Your middle name becomes your first name and the street on which you grew up becomes your last
Stripper/Pimp Name - Your first pet's name becomes your first name and your mother's maiden name becomes your last
Wasp Names - Common first names, with a last name that can also be used as a first name, or a last name that is also a noun. Culled from the 50 most common British names, and my phonebook (real unscientific)
Random Name - Consonant Cluster, Vowel Cluster, Consonant Cluster, similar to the password generator used on a VAX, but we use multi-character consonants and vowels.
Warez Kiddie - Random uppercase and lowercase, o becomes 0, L becomes a 1, e becomes 3, and trailing s's, become z. Kiddies use their real names, D00Dz invent lamer ones.
Pokemon Name - Based on some complicated rules for translating English sounds into Japanese sounds.
Star Wars Character Name: - The first name is composed of the last three letters of your last name plus the first two letters of your first name. The last name is composed of the first two letters of your mother's maiden name and the first three letters of the town you were born in.
Star Trek Quotes that never made it.
Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim.
He's DEAD, Jim. You grab his tricorder, I'll get his wallet.
You, in the red uniform, go see what that noise is!
To Hell with the prime directive, I'm gonna kill something!
Bones! Help this man, he's injured!
Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a ... oh, ummm, yeah.
He's ALIVE, Jim. Where did I go wrong?
Scotty, beam us aboard.
Aye, sir. Will a 2x4 do?
You've just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You've fought Klingons off the starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and you're exhausted! Now comes LOG time. You deserve more than just LOG, you deserve CAPTAIN'S LOG!
Ensign, fire at will
Ahhhh, captain, I'd rather fire at Wesley!
If you are talking via communicatior to your captain, remember this, for it is the single most important thing you can learn here at Starfleet Academy... Never give your Captain a straight answer, make sure he has to come on down to the planet and see for himself. Especially if you are serving on the Enterprise.
Refutile is sistance. Your ass will be simulated.
Captain's log, stardate 41358.2. I am nailed to the hull.
Fate only protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise.
Have it our way, your way is irrelevant.
The captain assimilated my race, and all I got was this T-shirt.
I sense, I sense…millions of minds focused on my cleavage.
Star Trek Quotes that DID make it
Everyone, stand back. He's got a magnet!
It's bad luck to die on empty stomach.
Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, prepare to die.
It's the slave traders! Quick, everyone try and look useless!
A:>hello
bad command or file name
A:>help
bad command or file name
A:>do somthing!
bad command or file name
A:> F# you!!!!
bad command or file name, A#@hole
Please do not throw your cigarette butts on the ground, the turtles crawl out of the ponds and smoke them and we are trying to get them to quit. (seen next to a turtle pond on Paradise Island)
Seen on the men's room wall at the BoardWalk Blues Cafe in Nashville - "I screwed your mother" and below it was written - "Go home dad, your drunk!"
On a menu in Miller's Landing in Galveston, Texas: "If the food were any fresher, you'd have to slap it!"
Do not eat large white mints (above a urinal)
"Breakfast in New York, Lunch in Paris." (and scrawled below the American Airlines poster) "Baggage in Hong Kong."
Please don't throw your toothpicks in our toilets, our crabs have learned to pole vault. (Seen in a bathroom in Destin Fl)
In case of emergency, pull handle. (written above a public toilet in New York City)
Note on condom machine: 'These condoms built to British standards.' underneath, 'Yeah, and so was the Titanic'
We aim to please, you aim too, please. (Wall in Penrith Petrol Station)
Written on cubicle wall in two parts: What's worse, Ignorance or Apathy? I Don't know and I don't care!
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! - Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. (written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.)
A friend told me of a visit to the restroom of a restaurant he was visiting with a lady friend. He discovered that graffiti was hidden in the wallpaper, like those paintings which don't appear to have a picture until one jumps out at you. He sent his lady friend to check out the ladies room, but he had to send her back 3 times before she saw it. They both said the sayings were hilarious, and there were also swear words and phrases, all unseen except to the unfocused(?) eye!
We don't swim in your urinals. Please don't pee in our pool.
"My mother made me a lesbian" (and written below that) "If I give her the yarn, will she make me one, too?" On the bathroom wall of the Infinity Bar in Miamisburg, Ohio 1979
Scrawled on a condom machine: Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber!
If you think our waiters are rude, you should see our manager. (On a cafe wall in Bristol.)
Fire torpedo 1! Fire torpedo 2! Fire torpedo 3! ... (one saying above each toilet in a movie theatre restroom)
Please don't throw your butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. (written in bar bathroom in Memphis, TN)
Please do not complain about the coffee. You'll be old and weak someday, too!
'God, my hands are cold!' Scrawled at the top of a Superman poster, in a 'thought bubble' above his head.
'Not all who wander are lost' — written underneath: 'Not all who launder are washed' grafitti in Portland, Oregon.
Beware of limbo dancers! (written at bottom of bathroom stall door with arrow pointing down)
Your child's future is in your hands. (seen above a urinal)
The weather is here. I wish you were beautiful. (Famous bathroom graffiti that Jimmy Buffett turned into a song)
Written above the mirror in a men's washroom in Seattle, Wa, "Think!" and someone had scrawled below it, with an arrow pointing down, "Thoap".
As seen above a urinal: What are you looking up here for? The real joke is in your hands.
For a good time, don't call my X-wife!
Pull here for an Arts degree. (seen on toilet paper dispenser)
"E=mc2" (and written underneath it) Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.
Sign seen in restaurant: We Reserve The Right To Serve Refuse To Anyone!
On a posted sign: "Bill Stickers will be prosecuted!" and written next to it, "Bill Stickers is innocent!"
(seen on a restaurant) GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge.
(Left Wall) For toilet tennis, look right. (Right Wall) For toilet tennis, look left.
Sign on the door of a maternity ward in a hospital: 'push, push, push'
Seen on a subway wall in New York: Life is one contradiction after another. Written below it: No it's not!
Seen on a poster for staff working in a Hospital Maternity unit "Remember, the first 5 minutes of life are the most dangerous." Comment added below, "The last few minutes are pretty dodgy too!"
written on a toilet wall: I.C.A.Q.A.Q.I.C.I.8.2.Q.B.4.I.P.
At this moment, you are the only man in the Army who knows what he is doing - Gents Lavatory, Aldershot Barracks UK
Don't read this you fool, Watch what you're doing! - Gents Lavatory - London
Sign on the wall above a toilet: "Flush only Toilet Paper."
"Why are you looking up here? The real joke is in your hands." (Seen in a bathroom in a pub in Luton, England).
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